Welcome, friends, for the return of the Game of Thrones, and us, your humble roundtabling recappers. When last we left our players, in fair Westeros, shit was real fucked up, and it mostly still is. We’ve got a lot to get through for a tightly-packed 54 mins of show, so let’s get to it, shall we?

Lacey: The armies from across the sea are marching in to Winterfell, and the whole town has turned out to gawk at the Unsullied as they make way for Jon & Dany. Varys & Tyrion make short jokes and dick jokes, so it’s nice to see some things never change. Outside, the Northroners get their first look at dragons & black folks, which will be the last time we see Grey Worm & Missandei today. In the courtyard, Dany & Sansa bust out their manners and start to play petty, petty princess, Buzzkill Bran shuts it down by recapping that the dead have broken through the wall, so can we put our tits back in our shirts, please? In the hall, a Very SmallJon Umber runs through the titles at the head table, quickly displaying the confusion the North has over the ladies and queens and kings and whatnot, then scampers off to be canon fodder, er, um, bring his people back to Winterfell. Little Lyanna Mormont makes another stand for big uterus energy, asking Jon what exactly he thinks he’s doing giving up his crown. He tries to explain that this war is more important than titles and thrones and who is or is not queen, Tyrion tries to help, explaining that the Lannisters are even coming to fight by their sides. During a little Sansa/Tyrion reunion, remember they used to be hitched, Sansa shows off the wisdom that her time with Cersei, Littlefinger & Ramsay Bolton brought her by asking how he could be so dumb as to believe that his sister is sending an army. So, y’all, how could Tyrion be so dumb? Will the Northmen accept Dany as a ruler? How tired of all of this title bullshit is Jon Snow?

Essie: Oh, hai everyone, it’s good to be back! Now that that is out of the way (you know, because I’m a fountain of polite niceties), let’s get into it!

You know, Tyrion has been in Not-So-Smart mode for just about the whole of the last season, and here we see it spilling over into this season. Dany blamed him last season for preaching inaction and then losing her Tyrell and Martell allies, and even the “win” he does get (getting Cersei to come back to meet with the gang of people in the dragon pit in last season’s finale) was a) not even on camera, and b) not a win at all, actually... because Cersei lies… when she cries (no, wait, I think I’m confusing her and Joe, who does indeed lie when he cries). I wonder why they started writing Tyrion’s character as not being so on the ball anymore. It’s unsettling. Also, what is up with the look that Bran gives Tyrion at the end of his scene with Sansa??

And, all that said, when my girl Arya said that Sansa is the smartest person she’s ever known, I was like “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?!” Sure, Sansa survived what she did and there’s a certain degree of smart she had to be to do so… and I’m not by any means saying she’s a dolt… but mostly girlfriend just seems like a snotty ass f’er and I truly can’t stand her anymore. She’s groan-inducing to me.

And the Northerners will only accept Dany if and when she saves all their cold asses. Much like how Jon didn’t do the thing and bend the knee until she saved his ass.

Since I’m on the topic of Jon… guess he better get used to all the title bullshit. He’s now creeping up on Dany for sheer number of titles.

Jim: I like how everyone is all about giving each other titles and all I ever asked was for you people to call me Funkatron, but nooooo...maybe I need to move to Westeros where being sullen and morose is encouraged and I won’t be mocked for my sweet nicknames.

On that note - welcome back to our tens of readers! As you can see, we are posting on a different site this year, mostly due to my ineptitude, but we still promise the same insightful and ridiculous recaps as before. We wouldn’t leave you hanging for the final season!

Tyrion definitely has a blind spot when it comes to Cersei. He doesn’t trust her but deep down he desperately wants to. Where he finally ran out of the will to win his father’s affection he, for some reason, just can’t let it go with his sister. I’m guessing he’s been wrong so many times lately so the narrative of him doing something super smart in the end will feel more triumphant?

Don’t know for sure, but I do know for sure that I agree with Essie’s assessment of Arya’s assessment of Sansa. Who are they to make assessments? I was taken aback by her assertion that Sansa is the smartest person she’s ever met, but then again, she did spend a lot of time with Lommy Greenhands, so it’s all relative. [Essie: What the fuck’s a Lommy??]

Lacey: Basically, all of Arya’s homies are coming over to her house to play, I half expect Jaqen H'ghar to show up. Anyway, the reunions get started with Jon, who has no idea who his little sister has become, has she ever used Needle? Oh, boy, Jonno, you have no idea. They also compare their not-at-all-important Valyrian steel weapons. (Also, sidebar: Arya is rocking a hairstyle known in Westeros as the Ned Stark, and I’m here for it.) Next up, Arya meets up with the Hound, who reminds her that she left him for dead. She reminds him that she robbed him first. You almost see tears of pride coming into old Sandor’s eyes as he leaves the forge. Then she comes to Gendry, who is SHOOK by Arya all growns up. They get what passes for their flirt-on, and remind everyone that they could be a badass royal couple. Two questions: How long before Jon realizes who Arya really is? And where, oh where, is Brienne of Tarth?

Essie: First off, I want to say that I lived for the Arya and Jon reunion… and yes, it was a little dusty in the room when I was watching it. Just a nice moment in a show that’s utterly replete with horrific moments, so it was a nice and welcome break from the bleakness. It’s obvious by his questions to her that he has ZERO idea who his kid sister has become. It immediately made me wonder how we’ll get to that reveal. I mean, when Jon saw Bran and ran over and gave him a hug, it was WILDLY apparent that this is not the same kid he left, especially when he shit on the fun of the reunion by telling them they’re wasting time. I mean, you spend two seconds with Bran and you realize he’s different. Arya is a TAD more tricky to figure out in terms of just how far she’s come.

Lost in the shuffle of Arya and Gendry chatting is… just what DID she ask him to make for her?? I couldn’t tell on the crappy TV I was forced to watch on. Also, just putting this out there, but I do not ship her and Gendry at all… though I know many people do. I just don’t like their bit together. Also, as Tormund pointed out to Jon when they all went north of The Wall last year, the boy’s not very bright… and Arya is sharp as a whip.

One thing of note about Gendry that I was thinking about in this episode, is that even with the changed opening credits (and OMG with the new opening credits!! This is the only show ever that could make me say “brilliant” out loud three times during the opening credits…. fucking. awesome.), they still have the four house sigils on the titles… dragon, wolf, lion, and stag… only there are ZERO Baratheons left… unless you consider Gendry to be one. Just something my weird brain noticed, but have no idea if there’s any kind of deeper meaning to it.

No idea where Brienne is, but I’m sure she’s mostly why Tormund is making his way to Winterfell… mostly.

Jim: Definitely a dusty reunion between Jon and Arya and that was an extra special You Know Nothing, Jon Snow moment when he asked if she ever used Needle. All of Arya’s reunions made for a really cool but sobering moment when you reflect on just how far all of these characters have come to get to this point and how a shit ton of them aren’t making it out alive.

I couldn’t quite tell what that weapon was either, though I thought it looked like a spear with a removable top half? Or maybe it was a note reading “I like you. Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one.”

Brienne was there! I spotted her and Pod’s big dick energy chillin’ in the courtyard when Jon greeted Bran and he shit on everyone’s snarky good time.

Lacey: Elsewhere, Qyburn is informing an elated Cersei that the dead have broken through the wall, she smiles as we reveal the Iron Fleet ferrying the Golden Company into King’s Landing. Euron the Crazeballs talks to his prisoner Yara. She doesn’t have much to say, but silently thinks about what she’ll do to him when she’s free. Back in the throne room, Euron makes a little presentation of what he’s brought back for Cersei: 20,000ish men, 2000 horses. NO ELEPHANTS. He also starts laying on that infamous Greyjoy charm, asking for his payment in the sex. Cersei: “You want a whore, buy one. You want a queen, earn her.” She promptly let’s him hit it anyway and an entire generation of single women felt personally attacked. Like, look, sure he’s a garbage person, but good dick is hard to find. Sometimes you take it even if it wants to “put a prince in your belly”, you feel shitty about it afterwards, but at least he’s not closely related to you, right? Anywhoozle, is Cersei really pregnant? And F, Marry, Kill: Robert, Jaime, Euron.

Elsewhere, Theon shows you don’t have to have balls to have balls by rescuing Yara, who is like, “Same.” They decide that he’s going to fight for the Starks while she goes to reclaim the Iron Islands which can be a haven of last resort just in case what is dead may really never die.

Jim: With the exception of possibly Cersei, no one is more devastated at the thought of no battle elephants than Ser James of the Shamokin. I often defend the overlong and overwrought Oliver Stone “Alexander” movie simply because there are BATTLE ELEPHANTS, so I feel her pain. I know Essie is not a fan but Euron the Crazeballs(excellent name, Lacey!) is massively entertaining to me. I enjoy unhinged, and while we’re talking about Greyjoys, it is much to my chagrin how we were short-changed in this series with the Damphair. But, as readers of this recap know, I am a full on Theon apologist and believe his comeback kicks into high gear with his rescuing of Yara. We all know he’s going to die saving one of the Stark kids so his redemption arc can be fulfilled and won’t you feel bad for doubting him on that day?! I’m looking at you, Essie!

F, Marry, Kill - F Euron, Marry Jaime, Kill Robert

Essie: “Ser James of the Shamokin”??? Um… when did the Funkatron become an anointed knight?!?!

Moving on… While watching the whole… what?... five seconds… of Yara’s rescue, I couldn’t help but think, “If it was THIS fucking easy to rescue her, why the F did they wait this long to do it??” Seemed like there wasn’t a whole lot to it. Bunch of people on a motherfucking boat… few arrows fired… and before I could even figure out where the scene was even being set (by taking a good hard look at the motherfucking boat)..... WHAMMY she’s rescued. (And yes, I did go full Champ Kind there.)

After seeing Theon go through his whole “Reek” stage, even the coldest and most callous of hearts (i.e., MINE) have to start cheering for him at least a little… especially when he’s going up against that scenery-gobbling turd of an uncle he has. Plus, Jon has already forgiven him for what he can forgive him for, so who am I to hold a grudge? That said, I wonder if Arya will be so forgiving. Methinks Theon and Arya may have a bit of a run-in, because the Wolf Girl is all about protecting her fam, and Theon certainly fucked her family over… regally.

Lastly here, definitely marry Jamie… I mean, even by default he’s the only real option I would think. So that leaves the other two. BLEH. I have no issue with killing either, though I did consider that means F’ing the other… F’ing Robert would be just him drukenly passing out on top of you, so that doesn’t sound too intriguing, and Cersei said that he’s not so hot in the sack, so you have to consider that as well. Euron, while being a complete turd, would at least probably try to put on a show in the bedroom, so he’d probably be way more fun to F than Robert for that reason. BUT I can’t give him the satisfaction… because he’s a turd and I hate him… so I say F Robert, kill Euron. And yes, I have indeed given this question too much thought.

Lacey: Bronn is suffering from Qyburnus interruptus in King’s Landing, where he gets a new assignment. Kill Tyrion & Jaime. He’s pretty cool with both of them, so how does this play out?

Jim: I see less than a ZERO percent chance that Bronn kills either Tyrion or Jaime. Yes, he is motivated by money but they’ve also spent the last however many seasons branding him a decent guy under all his bluster. If he were to kill either one of them, it would be the worst heel turn ever and I will totally disavow this show.

Wait, I don’t mean that.

Or do I?

Essie: I am very not happy about this turn of events, but found Bronn’s quote when he heard about the plan “That fucking family…” to be on point. I disagree with Jim… er, sorry, Funkatron... and think that Bronn will do his best to kill both of them. I predict that Pod and his BDE somehow thwart it, though, with Pod saving lives again and no one thanking or appreciating him. Though just now I thought, if Pod wants to protect Tyrion and Jamie, then Brienne would also want to protect them… mostly because of her and Jaime’s… er… friendship… and then also to protect Pod. This could indeed set up a Bronn vs Brienne duel… and that, kids, is worth the price of admission right there.

Lacey: The Karstarks are rolling in to Winterfell, and we learn that the Glovers will be staying at Deepwood Motte because they don’t serve a queen, basically. Davos reminds Tyrion & Varys that Northmen are clannish and don’t trust outsiders and are therefore loyal to Jon, but find Dany suspect. They wonder about the possibilities of a just woman & honorable man ruling Westeros together and all but sing ‘Matchmaker’ while watching Dany & Jon chat. Those 2 crazy kids learn that the dragons haven’t been eating much, because they don’t like the Northron cuisine, I guess. And in a teensy bit of FORESHADOWING, Jon is easily able to ride one of Dany’s dragons, and even guide it’s path, no one is recognizing the fact that only Targaryens have been able to ride dragons in the past. Jon also puts in some more work to try and make people understand that titles aren’t important, that what we need to do is get these mothereffing zombies off of this mothereffing plane. No real questions about this bit. Any thoughts?

Jim: I took the dragons not eating to mean that they were the sad over their dead (and now undead) dragon sibling. But perhaps Lacey is correct about the lack of good dragon eats in the North. Can we get a Gordon Ramsey up in this bitch? It occurs to me - do you think Bobby Flay catered all of the Bolton family shindigs? I digress. I’ll be honest, at this point if things don’t work out for Jon & Dany, I’d be totally fine with a Davos/Tyrion/Varys ruling triumvirate. Jon’s “titles aren’t important” shtick seems somewhat important in light of what we’ve learned this episode. Speaking of zombies, are we gonna get a zombie Hodor? Would he be part of the undead army at this point? I am going to worry about this possibility at least three times a day from now on.

Essie: Look at the old dudes sitting around and stating the obvious… “You know, I think that if we got these two crazy kids together after the war, it’d be a pretty good idea.”

Um….. YA THINK!?!

AND, on top of THAT… THEY’RE ALREADY TOGETHER! HOW HAS THIS NOT ALREADY COME UP!? HOW WAS THIS NOT THOUGHT OF FROM THE FIRST MOMENT THESE TWO MET!?

Whew… sorry about that. What happened? I blacked out for a second there, but kept typing. It’s not as fun to enter a rage-induced fugue state as one might think.

All that said, Varys quotes about respect and keeping the old heads at a distance because they’re a reminder that nothing lasts is pretty good stuff.

One last thing here… I was not a big fan of the dragon riding scene, as it seemed a bit too 80s movie-esque. I get that it was supposed to inspire awe and wonder, but I didn’t like the direction of it, and was wondering what Jim thought of it with him being a filmmaker and all.

Also, the chemistry between Kit and Emilia seems to come and go. Some scenes I think it’s good, others I think, “eeeeeeeh…… that is awkwaaaardddd.” I wonder if anyone else is seeing this or if I just a cynical old creep at this point. Hmm.

Lacey: Dany goes with Jorah to find Sam, so she can thank him for saving Jorah’s life, she pretty much offers him the Citadel, and he’s like, “Can I just get some pardons, please? For stealing books, and this totally not important Valyrian steel sword from my dad, maybe you’ve heard of him, Randyll Tarly? To which Dany’s like, “Oooh, this is awkward, I had my dragons burn him alive.” To which Sam’s like *shrug* at least I can go home, now that my brother’s the lord. And then Dany’s like, “Oooooh, extra awkward, your brother also wouldn’t bow to me, so he’s dead too. My bad!” In a really lovely bit of acting by John Bradley, Sam’s conflicting emotions play out over his face as he excuses himself to find Bran creepily waiting on “an old friend” in the courtyard. Bran tells Sam that it’s time for him to Maury Povich Jon by revealing who his real parents are. In the crypt, Sam tells Jon about his dad & Dickon, asking if Jon were king, would he do the same thing. Jon basically says it doesn’t matter, because he’s not king. To which Sam says, “You are. You always have been.” and reveals that Jon is actually Aegon Targaryen 6th of his name, King of the Andals and the yada yada yada. What does honorable Jon Snow, raised as the son of honorable Ned Stark, do with this giant-ass bombshell, after he finishes puking, of course?

Jim: I suppose it is apropos that we are nearing Easter because apparently I was told, kinda sorta like Peter in the bible, “before the rooster crows and this episode ends, you will “Oh, shit!” out loud three times.” And this was the first of those “Oh, shit!” moments cuz it never even occurred to me that Sam would meet Dany, Breaker of Chains and Barbecuer of Dickons. It was a perfectly played moment by the actors and does remind you that Dany is a tad hardcore and quick on her dragon finger for someone who wishes to be viewed as such a beloved liberator. When it comes to Jon Snow’s reaction to his true lineage, I admit I am stumped with how he is going to react. I can’t see him rushing out to tell Dany, and I can’t see him be all like “Mine!” in regards to the Iron Throne, which leads me to believe this becomes a deathbed confession at some point. Which means Jon dies. Again. But will Dany then do anything she can to bring back her love? Am I getting ahead of myself? This recap is dark and full of questions…

Essie: Totally agree with you, Lacey, on your assessment of John Bradley’s acting in this scene. The reunion of these two also slipped my mind, and when the scene started to unfold it was like, “Uh oh….. UH OH.” I’d like to think that this turned out to be a good lesson for Dany in that, even when she feels like she’s doing the right thing by fricasseeing some lords who won’t bend the knee, that good people still get hurt by these actions… and Sam is, indeed, a good person. I rag on the character a bit, but he’s one of the most human people on the show, and I do cheer for him.

With all of this said, did anyone else think that Sam was asking for a pardon from the Night’s Watch so he could marry Gilly? Or think that he was going to ask for brothers of the Watch to be able to wed? I really thought his one ask of the queen would be something Gilly-related and was a bit surprised when it wasn’t.

As far as the Jon reveal goes, I initially felt like it was another moment the director didn’t deliver with the power it should have been given, but upon rewatch there was a bit more OOMPH to it for me. Especially when seeing it on a TV where I can adjust the brightness (because what was UP with some of this episode being SO dark??), there’s a good out-of-focus shot of Jon’s mom’s statue in the background during the scene.

When it comes to Jon being the true king, though, I mean, the line of succession can be played with (as this series has shown), but I’m thinking working out the details isn’t going to be as simple as Jon spelling this out to Dany and saying, “So, what should we do now?”

Also, one last thing here, why did Bran say that Jon needs to know NOW? AND why is Bran waiting day and night for his “old friend”. I mean, dude knows everything that happened and that will happen and all that stuff, so doesn’t he know when Jaime is getting to Winterfell? Think he could save himself some time in the cold if he did.

Lacey: At Last Hearth, we see Tormund (YAY!) & Beric Dondarrion and then basically nothing else, because the North may remember, but they do not invest in lighting, until Dolorous Edd comes around a corner with some other dudes, telling them to kill Tormund because “he’s got blue eyes!” Tormund, who has always had blue eyes, greet Edd and asks if they’ve found anyone else. Not so much, but they have found another Night King original, featuring the Very SmallJon Umber and various random body parts. They ride off to Winterfell hoping to beat the Night King there. Are y’all as happy to see Tormund as I am?

Jim: Quick question - was Very SmallJon Umber the kid we see make his way through the crowd, then climb the tree to watch Jon & Dany’s army march into Winterfell? Cuz if it was, then let that be a lesson to kids everywhere - don’t climb shit cuz you’re either gonna get pushed out a window by some sisterlover or you’re gonna get nailed to the wall, set on fire, and wind up being the coolest backdrop to a metal video ever. That was my second “Oh, shit!” moment cuz I dunno, there’s just something kinda cool about setting things on fire with your flaming sword. Tormund’s presence is always a welcome one, just ask Brienne. At this point, I’m starting to think maybe this whole thing ends with Dolorous Edd on the Iron Throne, cuz that dude has made it through some crazy shit with nary a scratch and let’s be honest, at this moment, dolorous is a perfect disposition for Westeros.

Essie: You know me… I am ALWAYS happy to see Tormund! And Edd! And, yes, even Beric!

Creepy scene, and it shows just how fast the Army of the Deadz is moving. How will our three heroes beat the army back to Winterfell??

Lacey: Jaime arrives at Winterfell, in disguise and basically looking like a refugee, and turns to see Bran, just doing creepy Bran things. What do you say to someone you tried to kill by pushing him out of a window 10 years ago? Especially when he’s become fucking omnipotent? Also, when did Winterfell have time to become ADA compliant?

Jim: Jaime, fam, take it from Tom Petty - you don’t have to live like a refugee. There are tons of otherworldly and powerful things in the Game of Thrones universe, but none more magical than the power of Jaime’s hair to have turned almost completely black at this point. Are we assuming he’s dyeing it to disguise his identity on the road or is it a not-so-subtle nod to his character arc? Either way, Just for Men has a new face for the Twincest market. I love Bran’s strategy of just sitting in the courtyard and creeping everybody the fuck out. This moment was my third and last “Oh, shit!” of the episode cuz somehow up to that point, I had completely forgotten that the Kingslayer would meet up with the kid who ruined his quest to rebrand as the Kidslayer.

Essie: I had a conversation with a friend after watching this episode and mentioned that I didn’t even see the Jamie and Bran thing coming… like it dawned on me only when Jamie saw Bran… and then I was like “ohhhhhhhh….. shitttttt.” My friend responded by saying something like, “What? This has been probably the biggest driving force of this story since Episode 1!” and I responded, “You’re completely right. I must be slipping in my old age.”

When I saw Jaime, I was thinking of how his reunion would be with Brienne, or Tyrion, or how the Starks would accept him being there, or even his interaction with Dany, since, you know, he slaughtered her pops. But I always have this Bran blindspot. I think it’s because he is generally SO removed from the rest of the story, but now he’s back among all these main characters and not off with the creepy Reed kids and Hodor beyond The Wall.

It’s definitely going to be interesting to see what happens to Jaime in the next episode. I mean, he’s going to have to be allowed to help them, right? It would be odd for him to ride all the way there, be the ONLY person in the entire Lannister army to join the cause, only to have him executed. Some good stuff to come for sure!

Lastly for me this week, I really loved the echoes of the first episode of the series coming through in this first episode of the last season… from the king and queen arriving in Episode 1 to Jon and Dany arriving in this episode… complete with the lineup of Starks for the ruler to meet (complete with Arya not being there and off “lurking”). Move on to Arya and Jon and they do the same hug with her jumping into his arms. And then, to really go full circle, this episode ends with Jamie and Bran… much like the first episode of the entire series ended with Jamie and Bran’s big moment. I’m sure there are other things I missed, but these are the three that stood out to me… and I loved every bit of it!

Also, I’ve seen a lot of reactions about how this episode wasn’t great and was slow and stuff like that, and I couldn’t disagree more. The first episode of each season is all just set up… showing us who is where and what’s happening. The first episode of each season is a scene setter, and this was no different… only it had some knowledge-bombs dropped on some characters and lots of reunions… and I’m a COMPLETE sucker for reunions and even for a character who we know ALL about meeting another character we know ALL about, but who have never met each other before. It’s always to me like, “OH! Let’s see how THIS plays out.” And it’s wonderful, and I loved it, and I daresay this was the best season-opening episode of the entire series. If you disagree, change my mind or fight me.

Whew! Thus ends our first episode of the last season of Game of Thrones. Looks like they’re doing some all killer, no filler shit this season, so buckle up babies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. On a dragon. Behind Jon Snow.

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Game of Thrones Recap Spectacular! Season 8 Episode 1 - "Winterfell"